it's like my ipod's stuck on replay, replay

For some reason unbeknownst to me (probably a combination of reasons, actually), I've been feeling anxious lately.  Anxiety is not a feeling that I commonly experience, so it really grabs my attention.  I could go into all of the reasons why I think I'm feeling anxious:  school, the future, being in a new place, etc. but it's late, and those aren't really the reasons I sat down to write tonight.
Keeping all of that in mind, quick shift in gears.  I tend to get songs stuck in my head on a rather frequent basis.  Sometimes they stay for a couple of hours, sometimes days.  Most of the time, it just has to do with what has been playing on the radio, or at work (when I was working retail), or recently on my ipod.  But then there are other times that a song will just come into my head for absolutely no reason - I haven't listened to it in months!  I have to believe that these aren't just coincidences, especially since they usually have to do with things that are really weighing on my heart.  Well, this week, a throwback to my middle school/early high school years has been playing in my head - and I have to believe that it's in response to the anxiety I've been feeling:

"Lord, I don't know where all this is going

Or how it all works out

Lead me to peace that is past understanding

A peace beyond all doubt"

- Newsboys

I've known that my head is 70% filled with useless movie quotes and song lyrics for a while (trust me, my sister and I can basically recite every Lord of the Rings movie).  But I never thought that this seemingly wasted space would actually prove to be a blessing.  More than once, it's provided me with so much comfort - expressing feelings that I can't find the words to say.  This week has just been one of those weeks where I actually appreciate the "wasted space."

Precious Moments

I'm currently procrastinating writing a journal entry for one of my classes, and I wanted to share two moments that absolutely touched my heart over the past week or so:
1.  Two seven-year-olds, Josie & Celesté, frequently come to our apartment to chat with me and my roommates.  These two girls are seriously some of the cutest kids I have ever met!  The other day, Josie ran up to me and said:  "Miss Sarah! I missed you so much! I cried at school today because you weren't there."  My heart melted.  They've also promised to buy me an American Girl doll for my birthday (clearly no concept of how much they cost!), and have officially adopted me as their step-sister (the nice kind, not the Cinderella-kind).  Too cute.
2.  Today, I was swinging on the swing-set on campus (one of my favorite past-times), and a 6-year-old named Hudson came up and started swinging next to me.  First of all, he was carrying a home-made shield (he gets so many awesome-points for that!).  And second of all, he was singing some pop song from the radio (that comes into play later).  After going through what we're going to be for Halloween (he's going to be a king, hence the shield; and he told me I should be Rapunzel), our favorite colors, and how to make a homemade shield, I asked him what song he was singing.  He couldn't remember the name of it, so I asked him to sing another one of his favorite songs.  His response:

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me maybe?  It's hard to look right at you baby, but here's my number so call me maybe?  Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me maybe?  And all the other boys try to chase me, but here's my number, so call me maybe?"

One of my favorite things about living on campus at Covenant is getting to interact with the families and kids.  There is a playground in the middle of campus, so the kids run all over the place, and are just SO PRECIOUS!

Remembering

I can't believe it's been a month - and now that I've gotten over the initial shock of it all, I'm starting to remember things.  Quirky things, lovable thing, things that made you you.  This past week, I was talking to a friend of mine about drinking hot water and lemon, and I got a very vivid image in my head of how you used to always order hot water at restaurants.  No lemon, no tea, just hot water.  I'm sure the waiters thought you were crazy!  But you didn't want to drink the hot water, you wanted to warm your hands with it.
These memories hit me, and at times I think I'm going to completely lose it.  But these memories are precious - things to be treasured.  They are the stories that I will tell my children about you.
I can't believe it's been a month.

Smiles on a Beautiful Day

I have been so blessed by the community here at Covenant.  I have felt so loved and supported from the moment I arrived here, despite all of the curve balls I've seemed to encounter in the last month or so.  I am continually reminded that this is where I am supposed to be :)

"Bad" Emotions

"There is no such thing as a 'bad' emotion.  It's how we handle our emotions that matters."  -- John Gottman, PhD.

Have you ever had a recurring thought that others didn't necessarily agree with? Well, here's mine.
The quote above is in one of my textbooks for my Marriage & Family Counseling class, and I couldn't agree more.  Especially in the Christian community, certain emotions, such as anger, are seen as "bad" because of specific biblical passages (e.g., Matthew 5:22, 1 John 3:15).  And I understand that perspective.  However, we all are sinful people and we cannot will ourselves to not feel emotions such as anger.  Instead of addressing their feelings, people shame themselves for feeling angry, and keep their feelings hidden.  This only lets the emotion fester and twist our hearts.  What is so "wrong" about acknowledging our emotions for what they are and then doing something constructive about them?  Pretending that they don't exist leads only to feelings of guilt and shame when you do discover that they are present in your heart.  And shame is by far the most self-destructive feeling we possess.
What if we were truly honest with ourselves about how we feel?
Just a thought.

All Will Turn to Silver Glass

"End? No the Journey doesn't end here.  Death is just another path; one that we all must take.  The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass.  And then you see it!"

"What, Gandalf?  See what?"

"White shores.  And beyond, a far green country, under a swift sunrise!"

Sounds like such a beautiful place.  I can't wait to see you there.

New Steps

As many of you know, the big move to St. Louis (STL) is very quickly approaching.  It is just two days until we begin the big drive.  This time of transition is very strange to me.  A part of me is apprehensive: changing to a new environment is not really my forte.  Another part of me is ready for school to start again - I like the structure a daily routine provides.  With the exception of my abroad travels, this will be the farthest I've been from home without friends or family.  But really, it feels more surreal than anything else.  I'm not really consciously scared or worried, but it doesn't seem like it's really happening (except for the large pile of stuff that has accumulated in our kitchen).
As I get settled and into the swing of things at grad school, I hope to keep you all updated on my adventures and epiphanies through this blog - so keep checking back for updates!

"I thank my God every time I remember you." - Philippians 1:3

Random thought of the day: I love how this phrase (or a variation of this phrase) comes up in so many of the "little letters" in the NT...repetition is a way of demonstrating importance, and as someone who has used this phrase many a time, I appreciate that.