bid my anxious fears goodbye

Let it Go

I am kind of obsessed with this song.  Recently, just about every movie I have seen has spoken to me on a deeper level - I blame being in a counseling program - but that is a discussion for a different day.  For now, just enjoy Idina Menzel getting to be a Disney princess! :)

Goodbye 2013

It is so hard for me to believe that we are yet again at the end of another year.  If you ask me, 2013 went by way too fast - it is so hard for me to remember everything that happened!  As we look forward into the new year, it is common to make resolutions - lose weight, go gluten-free, exercise more, get that bigger bonus, etc.  I think for me my resolution is less about how I want my life to change, and more about how I want to see myself grow.  Before I left for the semester, my counselor asked me to keep dreaming over the break about the person that I want to become.  And so, I've thought a lot about the woman that I want to be.  I know I say this all the time, but I want to be who I was made to be - not afraid of what the future holds.  As Elrond says to Aragorn in Return of the King, "Put aside the ranger, become who you were born to be."

So as I look back on 2013, I see some incredible growth.  Going through counseling has strengthened my sense of self and taught me that it's okay to feel how I feel - to be who I am.  I feel like I know myself so much better than I did six months ago (and I thought I knew myself well then!).  But I also see areas in which I want to grow and develop more.  I want to continue to develop my patience, though I think that I've learned a lot in that area, especially in the past year.  I want to both embrace and release my anxiety.  Anxiety is not something that I frequently feel, but when I do, it is a very intense and physical experience.  I want to learn to be okay with this - and not feel anxious about the anxiety - but also learn to r e l e a s e.  "Okay, so I feel anxious, now what can I do to let it go and approach this situation with a peaceful heart?"  I find that I work myself up a lot to protect against disappointment and hurt (especially in relationships), and it is so e x h a u s t i n g.  How do I learn to take appropriate and necessary risks in my life without going into emotional overdrive?

So, instead of starting on some sudden, life-changing path in 2014, I want to continue to grow into who God made me to be.  I want to continue to pursue patience, trust in the Lord, and a peaceful heart.  This may not be the traditional new year's resolution, but 2014 brings a sense of new beginnings and fresh starts as I continue to become who I was born to be.

Happy 2014!

Merry Christmas!

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I promise a longer post about the end of the semester is coming!  For now, here is some Christmas cheer!

#WorldSeries

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a World Series game.  SAY WHAT?!  I'm tellin' ya, perks of living in a baseball-obsessed city.  Now, I am hardly a baseball fan, but this was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up!  So here are some pictures from the big night!! :)

The Cup (the BEST cupcake place in St. Louis) makes
Cardinals-themed cupcakes! Mmmm :)

CARDS WIN!!

sometimes it's really nice that I work in a library...

While I love my job, there are severe set-backs to working in a climate-controlled, basement room of the library...namely that it is freezing at all times.  I've layered coats, brought blankets, etc. and to no avail - I always walk out of this room hoping that outside it's much warmer (yes, that is a thought I have on a regular basis, even when it's January and blizzarding).  Today, though, I'm quite thankful that I work in a library, particularly a seminary library.  I've been reflecting a lot on Ephesians 5:22-33 recently, and our library does have a nice selection of commentaries to help me wrap my brain around it all (thank you, people smarter than me!!).  In case you're interested, the NIV Application Commentary and the Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament both have very helpful articles on this passage.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (ESV)

Trust Your Instincts

Frodo:  "Who then do I trust?"

Gandalf:  "You must trust yourself.  Trust your instincts."

Turns out that's not really what Gandalf says in the first Lord of the Rings movie, but that's what I've thought he's said for the past 10 years so I'm going to go with it.  Every week for Group Dynamics, we have to write a journal entry about some aspect of the class that week - it could be reading, class discussion, or something that happened in group.  This past week, I was co-facilitating my group, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts from this week.

At some point in our group discussion, I asked the group, "What if we trust the instincts we are all having?"  A number of people had voiced that their gut was telling them to delve into a comment that one of the group members made.  But they were all afraid that this was not the "right" thing to do.  Maybe it's just me, but I feel like a lot of the counseling process (group or otherwise) is about feeling it out and trusting your instincts.  I also believe that may of our instincts (though definitely not all!) are God-given, and can therefore be trusted.  I think if we had gotten out of our heads a little bit (which is so unlike me to suggest!  I'm such a rational person), and trusted our gut then we would have been less apprehensive to enter in to the hurt and mess that multiple group members were hinting at.  Our professor always talks about "taking the risk" in counseling, and I think that is what this is.  I am such a risk-averse person, and it is so hard from me to understand why my gut is telling me to take a risk.  While risks are definitely scary, I think they aren't something to be afraid of.

Anyways, it was so comforting me to end group feeling like I could trust my instincts as a counselor.  While I definitely have a lot to learn, it was nice to leave feeling like God has got my back in the counseling room.  As Dr. Zink (one of our professors) would say, "Trust God, and trust the process."  I think a big part of that is learning to trust yourself as a result of knowing that in all things God works for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).