One year ago, I wrote this as a potential blog post. At the time, I thought it was too vulnerable to actually post, so I saved it to a word document and have kept it on my desktop. While it may still be too vulnerable (it's certainly more vulnerable than I usually am on this blog!), I thought I would take the risk and post it today:
Learning to
be Vulnerable – 03/12/2013
Somewhere
along the way, I learned the safest place to keep my emotions was deep inside,
where no one could see them. Where no
one could tell me that they were wrong, bad, or sinful. Where I could pretend (rather convincingly)
that they didn’t exist. And so I built
up tall, thick walls to protect my heart.
I guess it was more fragile than I realized. I thought I was getting tougher, stronger;
really, I was just building up more armor.
And now I’m
at a place in my life where I want to tear down those walls. But I’m finding that it’s not as easy as I
had anticipated. It was so easy and
natural to build them up, but to knock them down…it’s like peeling off a really
stubborn scab – you bleed in the process.
I want to change, I just don’t know how.
I don’t want to carry around these defenses anymore. I want to know how I feel in the moment,
instead of waiting for the jumble of emotions to hit me weeks later, like it
usually does. I’m scared of going
through life alone behind my walls. I
want to let people in. I just don’t know
how.
I am in such a different place now. Looking back over the past year, I am amazed at the growth I see...part of it is from going through seminary, part of it is from being in counseling, and a huge part of it is divine transformation. I feel much more vividly than I did, and I as a result, I am much more of a mess. I cry more, am sad more, but my smiles are also so much brighter, and I feel real. No, I do not have it all together, but I am experiencing life at a much deeper level. Granted, those walls aren't completely destroyed - everyone needs some level of protection around their hearts - but I am slowly learning how to be real with people. I am not always okay, and not only is that okay, but it is one of the most beautiful things to have someone meet me in the midst of that not-okayness. I feel like I still have so much to learn about myself, but I also love the slow but beautiful change I see.
