So There.

Imogene Gwendolyn Kelley

November 29, 1915 - December 22, 2012

97 years, 22 days, and an unknown number of hours.

Such a full life.  Great Grandma was spunky, eccentric, and opinionated to the end.  If I ever make it to 97, I want to be like you.  I want to begin every statement with "Now children," and end them with "so there."  I want to be stubborn enough to survive without going to the doctor for years, and strong enough to break my neck at the age of 95 and have no debilitating damage.  I'm going to miss your stories and your funny phrases.  I'm going to miss you.

But as much as we miss you, we celebrate you.  You were a mother, grandmother, and great grandmother, who had seen much in her long life.  You knew how to live life to the fullest, and you enjoyed your 97 blessed years.

So There.

Home for the Holidays

"For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the greatness of his government and peace

there will be no end.

He will reign on David's throne

and over his kingdom,

establishing and upholding it

with justice and righteousness

from that time on and forever.

The zeal of the Lord Almighty

will accomplish this."

Isaiah 9:6-7

Does anyone else read these verses as they are recorded in Handel's Messiah?  I can't just read them - I always sing them in my head.  Maybe that's just me.

Merry Christmas, everyone!  It is so wonderful to be home for the holidays!  After such a busy semester, it has been so great to relax at home with the family.  Despite minor setbacks like fighting some form of a cold/laryngitis for over a week and having to work an obscene number of hours (I actually pulled an all-nighter one night.  14.5 hours in the store.  6pm - 8:30am.  that's a soapbox for another day.), it has been such a joy to participate in our family Christmas traditions.  Jessica & I (actually, mostly Jessica - I was mostly moral support) even made crepes this morning, just like my Nana usually does.  This is the first year that my family has had Christmas entirely on our own, which is definitely a little weird.  I miss seeing my extended family:  catching up, playing endless hours of card games, reading at least one good book, etc.  But it is also nice to create our own family traditions - experimenting with new recipes (we're currently making Chocolate Espresso Fudge Cake from the Trellis cookbook - yummmm!), and focusing more on our time together as a family than on gifts and the extravagance that the Christmas season can bring.  We've gone through so much as a family over the past 6 months - life transitions and seasons of grieving - it is just nice to have the four of us together again.  I have especially loved being able to hang out with Jessica over the past week or so.  As much as I think it's good for us to be apart for this stage of our lives (it gives us an opportunity to grow as individuals), I do really miss her, and it feels so good to have my best friend around all the time again. :)

So it is with a content and happy heart that I leave you with the ending lines from my favorite Christmas movie.  From this little Sarah Lou Who to you:

Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have we. Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart, and hand in hand. 

- How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Breath of Heaven

Here we are on yet another December 7.  On this day, six years ago (wow has it really been that long?), I met my first encounter with adult grief.  I think it changed me much more than I even thought at the time.  I was sad, not necessarily for me, but for others.  It was the first time that I really felt my heart go out to someone - that I wanted to heal someone else of their hurts.  But, also, looking back maybe I was too focused on others.  I did not learn how to grieve well, and this continues to be an area in which I struggle.  I still vividly remember hearing the news.   I had been to see her the night before, and the next day our school counselor told us what had happened.  I remember feeling like I was no longer in control of my body.  I abruptly stood up (I can still see the counselor's look of surprise), and started
r u n n i n g out of the room.  I was so thankful for my dear friend, who legitimately caught me and just held me until my mind and body were back in sync.  As someone who prides herself on her calm reactions, this was a completely disorienting experience.  I felt so helpless and powerless.

So today I'm thinking of you, Nicole.  How brave you were, and how loving.  You laughed and delighted in the Lord with such mature faith for your young age.  How I would have loved to see you grow up into the mature, smart, talented, and beautiful 18-year old you would be today.  You are such an inspiration to me.

I also wanted to post another one of my favorite Christmas songs.  I last posted one about Joseph's experience, and this one is about Mary's.  However, I think it also applies to the grieving heart, which is something I've been thinking a lot about today.

O Come O Come Emmanuel

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel, that mourns in lonely exile here, until the Son of God appear.  Rejoice!  Rejoice!  Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

Guys, it's officially the Christmas season!  Yes, I am one of those people that dislikes jumping the gun and skipping over Thanksgiving.  Actually, this year, Target definitely had Christmas and Halloween stuff out at the same time.  But that is another soapbox altogether.

Anyways, today was the first Sunday of Advent.  This is one of my absolute favorite parts of the Christmas season - lighting candles, advent readings, and Christmas carols all intertwined into the worship service.  There is just something about the atmosphere that changes during the Christmas season, and it is so comforting, joyous, and b e a u t i f u l.  I don't normally blog about the sermons I hear at church on Sundays, but I thought today's was especially pertinent.  Today, we looked at waiting and what it means to wait well.  We are all waiting for something: the pay raise we've long anticipated, the perfect guy or girl to marry, the job that will change our careers, the college acceptance letter, the leadership position we've always wanted, etc.  For Zechariah and Elizabeth (Luke 1:5-25), they had been waiting for a child.  So this morning, we looked at how this couple's prayers were answered in a way that they never expected.  And as we move into Advent, and the celebration of the long-awaited Messiah, I think about how long and desperately the people of Israel waited for a Savior.  As someone who has very recently been struggling with waiting, and what true patience looks like, I felt so encouraged.  I can only see a piece of God's grand picture, but I am called to be an active participant in his redemptive work.  This means, while I may continue to prayerfully wait for _______, I am also living my life, and pursuing God's purpose for my life.  My waiting cannot completely debilitate me.

Come thou  long expected Jesus, born to set thy people free; from our fears and sins release us, let us find our rest in thee.  Israel's strength and consolation, hope of all the earth thou art; dear desire of every nation, joy of every longing heart.

The Christmas season also means that I've been rediscovering songs that I love but only allow myself to listen to once a year.  I hope to share some of these over the next weeks with you all.  This one was my absolute favorite Christmas song (that's not a carol) as a child.  My sister and I would want to listen to this CD on repeat every Christmas season:

it feels like home to me

Sitting in Dulles Airport was not my intended time to write a blog, but when you're flight's delayed for 2 hours, suddenly you have so much time!  Hurricane Sandy just swept through the east coast, and I have to say it was rather anti-climatic, at least it was here in Virginia.  Williamsburg is usually hit pretty bad by hurricanes (we were evacuated for hurricane Irene last year), and all they got was some rain.  Up here in DC, we had more rain and wind, but nothing even close to the effects of other hurricanes like Isabel and Charlie.  But, my flight was cancelled on Monday, and so I find myself sitting in the airport two days later, writing a blog.

This past weekend was Homecoming weekend at William & Mary.  It was so wonderful to be back on campus, but also very surreal.  I felt like I was home in many ways, but it felt very different - like a home that wasn't really home anymore.  I just knew in the back of my mind that I would be leaving in two days.  That I was not a W&M student anymore.  That, in a sense, I didn't belong there.  Don't get me wrong, I loved being there.  And I wanted very much to just stay and be a student there again - to re-enroll in classes and be in Orchesis again.  But, as my friend remarked to me, I actually do not want that.  I would be weird for me to be back at W&M without everyone that I know there; without it being my time.  And I know that, but the wishful thinker in me just wants us all to be seniors again.  Why do we have to grow up?

Some quick highlights of the weekend:  strolling through CW, seeing some very dear friends (RUF friends, Orchesis loves, and even my Sinfoni-family!), seeing Orchesis in Dancevent 2012 (definitely my favorite part of the weekend), and wandering around campus.  I miss being there so much - not just the school, but the town as well.  Because I was so involved in the life of the community in my last semester, I feel very connected to Williamsburg, not just the campus.  Honestly, I can see myself living in the Tidewater area at some point in my life - I would love to work with the families down in the peninsula.  The eastern peninsula of Virginia is by far the poorest part of the state, and I would love to be a part of serving and rebuilding that community.

Home Sweet Home

I've never been so happy to make the long trek from Concourse C to the Main Terminal in Dulles Airport.  There a couple of airports that I could probably walk in my sleep (Dulles and Denver), and the familiarity of it all was so wonderful.  Who'd of thought that I would feel so at home in an airport?
As I right this, I am sitting in a Panera (also known as the St. Louis Bread Company), taking advantage of their free WIFI service.  My house currently does not have internet - talk about living in the dark ages! - and it amazes me how much we really do rely on it for communication.  I felt so out-of-the-loop for not checking my GMail or Facebook for 3 days!  When I think about it, I've had an email address of my own for over half of my life (anyone else remember those AOL dial-up days?), and my family has had a computer for about as long as I've been alive.  Granted, I realize that we were ahead of the times 20 years ago, but it's still weird to think that I've never known a time where a PC (or a Mac) was not available to me.  Going without Internet in recent days has really shown me how privileged I've been.

Ashburn, I am so excited to be spending the next 4 days here.  I've missed this place so much.
MPC, it was so wonderful to be back last Sunday.  I don't know if I'll ever find a church that I love as much as you in St. Louis.
William & Mary, my home away from home, see you on Friday!  I know that it will be different now that I'm not a student - but there have been so many times that I have looked for glimpses of you at Covenant, and just haven't seen it.  I need to see my W&M family again - you are such a big part of who I am.

Oh, it is so sweet to be home :)

it's like my ipod's stuck on replay, replay

For some reason unbeknownst to me (probably a combination of reasons, actually), I've been feeling anxious lately.  Anxiety is not a feeling that I commonly experience, so it really grabs my attention.  I could go into all of the reasons why I think I'm feeling anxious:  school, the future, being in a new place, etc. but it's late, and those aren't really the reasons I sat down to write tonight.
Keeping all of that in mind, quick shift in gears.  I tend to get songs stuck in my head on a rather frequent basis.  Sometimes they stay for a couple of hours, sometimes days.  Most of the time, it just has to do with what has been playing on the radio, or at work (when I was working retail), or recently on my ipod.  But then there are other times that a song will just come into my head for absolutely no reason - I haven't listened to it in months!  I have to believe that these aren't just coincidences, especially since they usually have to do with things that are really weighing on my heart.  Well, this week, a throwback to my middle school/early high school years has been playing in my head - and I have to believe that it's in response to the anxiety I've been feeling:

"Lord, I don't know where all this is going

Or how it all works out

Lead me to peace that is past understanding

A peace beyond all doubt"

- Newsboys

I've known that my head is 70% filled with useless movie quotes and song lyrics for a while (trust me, my sister and I can basically recite every Lord of the Rings movie).  But I never thought that this seemingly wasted space would actually prove to be a blessing.  More than once, it's provided me with so much comfort - expressing feelings that I can't find the words to say.  This week has just been one of those weeks where I actually appreciate the "wasted space."

Precious Moments

I'm currently procrastinating writing a journal entry for one of my classes, and I wanted to share two moments that absolutely touched my heart over the past week or so:
1.  Two seven-year-olds, Josie & Celesté, frequently come to our apartment to chat with me and my roommates.  These two girls are seriously some of the cutest kids I have ever met!  The other day, Josie ran up to me and said:  "Miss Sarah! I missed you so much! I cried at school today because you weren't there."  My heart melted.  They've also promised to buy me an American Girl doll for my birthday (clearly no concept of how much they cost!), and have officially adopted me as their step-sister (the nice kind, not the Cinderella-kind).  Too cute.
2.  Today, I was swinging on the swing-set on campus (one of my favorite past-times), and a 6-year-old named Hudson came up and started swinging next to me.  First of all, he was carrying a home-made shield (he gets so many awesome-points for that!).  And second of all, he was singing some pop song from the radio (that comes into play later).  After going through what we're going to be for Halloween (he's going to be a king, hence the shield; and he told me I should be Rapunzel), our favorite colors, and how to make a homemade shield, I asked him what song he was singing.  He couldn't remember the name of it, so I asked him to sing another one of his favorite songs.  His response:

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me maybe?  It's hard to look right at you baby, but here's my number so call me maybe?  Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me maybe?  And all the other boys try to chase me, but here's my number, so call me maybe?"

One of my favorite things about living on campus at Covenant is getting to interact with the families and kids.  There is a playground in the middle of campus, so the kids run all over the place, and are just SO PRECIOUS!

Remembering

I can't believe it's been a month - and now that I've gotten over the initial shock of it all, I'm starting to remember things.  Quirky things, lovable thing, things that made you you.  This past week, I was talking to a friend of mine about drinking hot water and lemon, and I got a very vivid image in my head of how you used to always order hot water at restaurants.  No lemon, no tea, just hot water.  I'm sure the waiters thought you were crazy!  But you didn't want to drink the hot water, you wanted to warm your hands with it.
These memories hit me, and at times I think I'm going to completely lose it.  But these memories are precious - things to be treasured.  They are the stories that I will tell my children about you.
I can't believe it's been a month.

Smiles on a Beautiful Day

I have been so blessed by the community here at Covenant.  I have felt so loved and supported from the moment I arrived here, despite all of the curve balls I've seemed to encounter in the last month or so.  I am continually reminded that this is where I am supposed to be :)

"Bad" Emotions

"There is no such thing as a 'bad' emotion.  It's how we handle our emotions that matters."  -- John Gottman, PhD.

Have you ever had a recurring thought that others didn't necessarily agree with? Well, here's mine.
The quote above is in one of my textbooks for my Marriage & Family Counseling class, and I couldn't agree more.  Especially in the Christian community, certain emotions, such as anger, are seen as "bad" because of specific biblical passages (e.g., Matthew 5:22, 1 John 3:15).  And I understand that perspective.  However, we all are sinful people and we cannot will ourselves to not feel emotions such as anger.  Instead of addressing their feelings, people shame themselves for feeling angry, and keep their feelings hidden.  This only lets the emotion fester and twist our hearts.  What is so "wrong" about acknowledging our emotions for what they are and then doing something constructive about them?  Pretending that they don't exist leads only to feelings of guilt and shame when you do discover that they are present in your heart.  And shame is by far the most self-destructive feeling we possess.
What if we were truly honest with ourselves about how we feel?
Just a thought.

All Will Turn to Silver Glass

"End? No the Journey doesn't end here.  Death is just another path; one that we all must take.  The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass.  And then you see it!"

"What, Gandalf?  See what?"

"White shores.  And beyond, a far green country, under a swift sunrise!"

Sounds like such a beautiful place.  I can't wait to see you there.

New Steps

As many of you know, the big move to St. Louis (STL) is very quickly approaching.  It is just two days until we begin the big drive.  This time of transition is very strange to me.  A part of me is apprehensive: changing to a new environment is not really my forte.  Another part of me is ready for school to start again - I like the structure a daily routine provides.  With the exception of my abroad travels, this will be the farthest I've been from home without friends or family.  But really, it feels more surreal than anything else.  I'm not really consciously scared or worried, but it doesn't seem like it's really happening (except for the large pile of stuff that has accumulated in our kitchen).
As I get settled and into the swing of things at grad school, I hope to keep you all updated on my adventures and epiphanies through this blog - so keep checking back for updates!

"I thank my God every time I remember you." - Philippians 1:3

Random thought of the day: I love how this phrase (or a variation of this phrase) comes up in so many of the "little letters" in the NT...repetition is a way of demonstrating importance, and as someone who has used this phrase many a time, I appreciate that.

Experiencing Paradise

The Kyle Family Mystery Trip is no longer a mystery!  Upon arrival at Dulles Airport last week, Jessica and I learned that we would be spending a week exploring the Rocky Mountains in Colorado.  I must say, I was quite surprised - I definitely didn't expect to go to the mountains when I had been told to prepare for sand.  As it sunk in, I realized that no mention had been made of visiting family in Colorado, nor had we discussed the implications of the forest fire.  And then I recalled a comment I had made earlier:  "Wouldn't it be funny if you only told us the connecting destination?"  Turns out I was right!  Upon landing in Denver, we received another envelope that contained our itinerary for our trip to the Big Island of Hawai'i!  My parents are so sneaky. :)

Black Sand Beach!

So, after approximately 11 hours of flight, we arrived in Kona, Hawai'i.  Our first day was very laid back, considering it was 7:30pm EDT when we arrived (1:30 HAST), and of course we ended the day with an episode of LOST.  Our first official day on the island (Sunday) we spent exploring the Kohala district (where we were staying), seeing sights like the Waipi'o Valley, the statue of Kamehameha I, and Pulolu Valley.  Monday was our first big adventure day, driving from the Kohala district along the north coast, and ending in Hilo.  This was definitely the day of rainforest and waterfalls.  Our first stop was the beautiful and dramatic landscape at Laupahoehoe Beach Point, where a tsunami destroyed the local school in 1946.  We then traveled around the coast to the Akaka State Falls Park, home of two waterfalls, the Kahuna Falls and the Akaka Falls.  Next stop:  the Hawai'i Tropical Botanical Gardens!  This absolutely beautiful juxtaposition of jungle and bay was well worth the numerous mosquito bites!  In the city of Hilo, we stopped by Rainbow Falls, and we ended our expedition with the black sand beach at Honoli'i Beach Park!

Onomea Falls in the Botanical Gardens

Tuesday, we traveled south along the coast of the Big Island to the Kona district.  We began our day at the Pu'uhonua O Honaunau National Historical Park, a culture-center of sorts.  This park holds a number of re-constructed buildings, where the Polynesian royalty once lived.  In some ways, its very reminiscent of Jamestown and Colonial Williamsburg.  We continued our journey northward to Hula Daddy Coffee Plantation in Holualoa.  Coffee is one of the main crops in the Kona district, and there are many plantations that offer tours and free tastings of their coffee.  Our last stop of the day was at Honokohau Bay, a frequent resting place for sea turtles!  Yet another check on the Hawai'i bucket list!
Wednesday was definitely a smorgasbord day.  We started off at Kealakekua Bay, in the hopes of seeing spinner dolphins.  Unfortunately, this was one of the items that did not get checked off of our bucket list. :(  We then traveled into Kailua-Kona, the most touristy town on the island for some shopping and lunch.  We hit the beach for about an hour, but all of the beach parks closed early for the Fourth of July.

Kilauea Caldera

Although Wednesday was rather uneventful, Thursday was the most jam-packed day of our trip!  Leaving early in the morning from our condo, we drove for three hours south around the coast (passing the southern-most point in the US!) to the Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park.  Kilauea Caldera, the most active volano in the world, is the main attraction here, although there are many other craters to be seen and hikes to explore.  After exploring the Thurston Lava Tube (yes, you can actually walk inside of a lava tube!!), we embarked on a 4-mile hike across the Kilauea Iki Crater.  The crater itself is 1.2 miles in diameter, and last erupted in 1959.  I guess a crater that has been dormant for 50 years is fairly safe!  There are trails that lead you across the Kilauea Caldera as well, but the current activity of the Halema'uma'u Crater (see photo on left) has closed these trails indefinitely.  Hiking the Kilauea Iki Trail was definitely a highlight for our whole family.  How many people can say that they've walked across a volcano?!  We ended our tour of the national park with a drive down Chain of Craters Road, which abruptly ends in a lava flow.  This road used to continue along the southern coast in the Ka'u and Puna districts, but lava flows from the 1980s through today have so consistently blocked the road, that the national park service has stopped trying to clear it.

Chain of Craters Road

Our final day on the Big Island was a perfect way to end the trip.  We started the day with a trip to Hapuna Beach, a white sands beach close to our condo.  While the beach and water were absolutely beautiful, the wind was insane!  It felt like a sandstorm!  Needless to say, we did not stay too long, and had to empty sand out of all of our belongings!  We ended the day with a sunset dinner cruise along the Kohala coast - absolutely beautiful! :)
I can't believe that we packed so much into just six days!  The big island is definitely one of the most beautiful (and diverse!) places that I've visited, and I would love to go back both to this island and to the other Hawaiian islands some day.  We left only three things on our Hawai'i bucket list unchecked (seeing a green sand beach, seeing dolphins, and seeing a wild donkey - yes those are very common in Hawai'i...they have their own crossing signs and everything!), which I would say means we did pretty well!  Aloha Hawai'i!  Mahalo.

Sunset Dinner Cruise - a perfect ending to our trip!

Becoming a 'Real Person"

Thoroughly Modern Millie

Wow...it has been a long time since I last posted - almost a year!  Since it has been so long, I thought I would do a little catch-up work, and hopefully be a better poster in the future!
This last year at William & Mary has been by far my favorite.  As I went through a year of "lasts," I realized just how blessed I have been over the last four years.  I cherish so many of these last moments - especially my last performances and RUF senior night.  I honestly think I cried more in the last six months than I have in the last four years put together!  It was such a joy for me to be able to perform with the Sinfonicron Light Opera Company and Orchesis Modern Dance Company during my last year at William & Mary.  I am very much aware that those performances may have been my last, and I feel so blessed that I had those final opportunities to do something that I love.  As for RUF senior night - I could not be more thankful for the family that I have there.  As I have said many times before, "you don't realize what you had until it's gone" - and this is definitely how I felt about RUF once I went abroad.  You all have been such a loving and supportive net for me - and I miss you all already.

RUF Seniors & Staff 2012

This past semester, I was also able to participate in a psychology practicum as part of my academic studies.  One of the best experiences of my life!  Working with CDR (Child Development Resources) opened my eyes to the needs of the community around me, and how important service really is.  Actually, working at CDR completely redefined my career goals; while I still want to pursue a career in counseling, my main focus in now families and communities - what the psychology world would call "community psychology."

Speaking of the future, I'M GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL!  Barring any major life change between now and August, I will be attending Covenant Theological Seminary in St. Louis, Missouri to pursue a Master of Arts degree in Counseling.  I feel so privileged to have this opportunity ahead of me - it is a miracle that I am going to graduate school at all, and let me tell you, it was a long road to get here.  As many of you know, my original plan was to pursue a PhD in Counseling/Clinical Psychology.  After applying to 11 programs, and not being admitted to any, I began to wonder, "what if all these plans I've made for myself aren't what I am supposed to be doing?"  Talk about a reality check!  So I decided to go back to the original plan - the one I had felt called to before any of my academic pride set in - and apply to seminary programs.  Needless to say, April is not the ideal time to do grad school applications - its past all of the deadlines!  Nevertheless, I was accepted into two programs, and am now heading to St. Louis in August. :)
So as I take on this new adventure of becoming a "real person," I hope to be able to continue this blog and share my experiences with you!  I have plenty of things to figure out already:  finding an apartment (and roommate(s)), finding a job close to campus, registering for classes, not to mention paying for grad school!  Much love to you all, and I'll be in touch! :)